Reclaim Your Right To Dream

Mar 4

Today, Danielle interviews Toi Smith, a mother of four, creative, visionary, entrepreneur, writer, and advocate. Toi encourages us all to dream, imagine new possibilities, and trust that our visions can become reality.

As the founder of Loving Black Single Mothers, an organization dedicated to supporting Black single mothers, Toi has turned a long-held dream into a thriving community. Bringing this vision to life has been a deeply joyful experience, but it also came with fear and visibility challenges. In this conversation, she and Danielle explore how building this organization has transformed her from an individual visionary into a collaborative organizer.

Danielle and Toi also dive into what success feels like in mid-life and how their definitions have evolved over time. This honest and meaningful conversation invites listeners to embrace their full, multi-faceted selves, recognizing that we are all many things in many different seasons of life.

Through this conversation, Danielle and Toi show us that believing in yourself, dreaming, and remembering the big picture of where you are now, in this time and place, really does matter.

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Transcript:

Visibility Medicine: Reclaim Your Right to Dream with Toi Smith

[00:00:44] Danielle: I'm really excited for this conversation.

[00:00:46] Toi: Me too. I'm always, I mean, I think we have

[00:00:48] Toi: really great conversations, so I'm excited too.

[00:00:51] Danielle: For those who may not know you yet, yes, how would you like to introduce yourself and share a little bit about who you are?

[00:01:00] Danielle: My name is Toi Smith, I think the first thing to know about me is I am a mother. I'm a mother of four Which is wild For a lot of people to hear, it's very wild for me to even say still, I have mother of four sons. They are all teenagers now, varying in ages from 20 all the way down to 13, which is, a lot.

[00:01:21] Toi: So I lead with, I'm a mother because it colors everything that I do and kind of the lens I hold, the political lens. The relational lens, like all of it. I'm also a creative at heart. I love taking things out of my mind and putting them out into the world. That is my favorite thing. [00:01:44] So visionary, creative, like those are things I hold, dear and they show up in all the ways.

[00:01:50] Toi: And, my work as an entrepreneur, my work. as a mother, my work as a friend,all of it. I would say also that I am a lover. I really love love and being with people and especially people I really love. I could be with them for all the time. and so that I'm really trying to tap into lately

[00:02:15] Toi: my genuine being outside of these systems and the way we have to be like, who am I really? And I really am a creative and a visionary and a lover. And I went recently back and looked at some of my younger self photos when I was a little girl and just how smiley I was and how like, And I was and I'm like, that's me that.

[00:02:39] Toi: That is it. And so that's what I've been kind of trying to weave [00:02:44] through. So inside of all that. Also, I'm an entrepreneur. I read a lot. So a lot of my work is at the intersections of bringing people in to study with me and question with me and being curiosity with me, and I do that through study groups through holding circle spaces and Things like that.

[00:03:04] Toi: I don't know if that's a good job of an intro, but that's kind of where I'm at right now.

[00:03:07] Danielle: What do you think? Does it feel, does it feel good to say?

[00:03:11] Toi: yeah, it kind of, it feels all over the place, but I'm really, I don't know if there's just one way I can introduce myself. So yeah, it feels true.

[00:03:22] Danielle: I mean, maybe all over the place in the way that like an octopus has so much width and breadth and reach, you know?

[00:03:32] Danielle: I am very curious, in this moment, how do you,define success for yourself?in context of your work.

[00:03:42] Danielle: What does success look and [00:03:44] feel like?

[00:03:46] Toi: Well, I mean, am I able to eat

[00:03:50] Toi: like that's one.

[00:03:52] Danielle: And are you able to eat or like, are you able to eat where you want, when you want, what you want?

[00:03:57] Toi: I mean, I've always said, that I've been successful in business because I've been able to take care of my family.

[00:04:04] Toi: So I think since I've started working for myself, which has been roughly like nine years, it's been a long it's been a minute now. but I've been successful. I've never had to go back and get a normal nine to five job. I've been able to take care of us. In some form or fashion and, there are times when it was difficult, but never difficult enough where it's like, throw this all away.

[00:04:35] Toi: I can't do any of this anymore. So I would say being able to take care of my family is successful and also being able to take care of us and take care [00:04:44] of us well, where we're able to. Eat how we want to eat and I'm able to pay for my sons to do, certain extracurricular activities. So I'd say that is a level of success and inside of that over the years.

[00:04:59] Toi: That means I've had to do a number of different things. So. Toi who started working for herself was a VA, right? doing 500 a month for clients at 20 hours or something like that. To me now who was like, Oh, I can hold space for 50 plus people in a 10 month program. I don't know if I ever thought eight, nine years ago that that's where I would be.

[00:05:23] Toi: I don't even know if that was the dream back then. I just knew that I wanted to follow my creative being let that kind of be free. So being able to pay might be able to eat and eat well, a success I would say is one aspect for me. Another aspect is being able to say what I want to say when I want to say it and how I want to say [00:05:44] it.

[00:05:44] Toi: I think in my work, I've just been really. Open about how I view things and how I hold things and what I'm learning and what I'm unlearning. And I think why I have been quote unquote, so successful in the ways that I have been is because I've allowed myself to show myself over the years in the ways that has shifted a lot, you know, but I've allowed myself to just show up, and talk about motherhood and talk about sex and talk about

[00:06:16] Toi: poly relationships and talk about capitalism and talk about, you know, patriarchy and all of these things, because I think they all weave together. So I have try to avoid niching down of being like, this is my niche of where I need to be. And so I think that has aided in my success to allow myself to be a full, complex, multifaceted, human, black woman, mother.

[00:06:42] Toi: sex lover, pleasure [00:06:44] lover, and all these things and weave them together and talk about them and allow myself to show up as human. So I think what that does is when people enter spaces with me, talk about capitalism, to talk about motherhood, to talk about business. They don't have to just wear the motherhood hat.

[00:07:02] Toi: They don't have to just wear the business hat or I'm learning about capitalism because I'm not an institution. I'm not a school. I'm not your corporate office that you're learning from. I'm a person who's teaching you like I've learned, and we're kind of able to just meet soul to soul. So I think that kind of washing away allows people to just like, Oh, she's a normal.

[00:07:25] Toi: we're kind of, we can have these real conversations. And I think that's part of what has. Eat it in my success. So I would say those are the major things that I think about.

[00:07:36] Danielle:

[00:07:36] one of the many things that sticks out to me in that is thatyour need to be able to feed your family.

[00:07:42] Danielle: I mean that both in [00:07:44] terms of food, but also in all of the ways, and your need to be able to show up as you and be who you be are actually things that create. The success of your business. And I think that's so valuable for people to hear and be reminded of our needs are actually not a problem, right?

[00:08:10] Danielle: They will oftentimes be the thing that opens up or gives us the fuel or gives us the energy or creates that reciprocity or generative kind of experience if we can trust them, if we can give space to them, if we can land enough sense of safety that we can move from that place. And a lot of that is visibility, right?

[00:08:38] Danielle: A lot of what you're talking about. In, in terms of how I define it, right, you are seeing [00:08:44] yourself, you are seeing things in the world, you are seeing what needs to be learned, what needs to be unlearned, and you're willing to also be seen in those things and to take up that spacenot just to have your own private experience, but to also say I get to do this out loud, I get to share it, I don't have to contort who I am, I don't have to diminish who I am, I don't have to inflate who I am, I get to just be about it out loud and let that happen.

[00:09:19] Danielle: And I think that there's a whole lot of things, you know, of the hundreds of people that I've worked with in that area specifically, I find that oftentimes there's a constitutional piece. To it, this is just kind of how someone is, other people have to really cultivate it. oftentimes there's this natural way that that might have been how someone was.

[00:09:43] Danielle: And then there was [00:09:44] some kind of visibility wound or injury along the way. Right. But even that might land different for one person than it does for someone else. You know, it's not like you as a black woman, as a black single mom, as a black single mom of four children, as a black single mom of four children with three different dads.

[00:10:03] Danielle: It's not like the world is saying to you, here Toi, take up all the space. It's a friendly place for you to be seen and vulnerable and share your thoughts and your iterations and all the things that is not really the setup.

[00:10:18] Danielle: Right. Right.

[00:10:19] Toi: I think we continuously come into ourselves if we allow ourselves to do that. Right. We are so many different people during a lifetime

[00:10:29] Toi: for real.

[00:10:30] Toi: we were talking earlier, you shed skin, you get new skin.

[00:10:33] Toi: you just are, you are a totally different person in, Just different seasons and we grow into ourselves. We come into ourselves. If we [00:10:44] allow ourselves to have that experience and, you know, for some people there are things where it's like, oh, that's such and such 2. 0. You can see that they had severance of something.

[00:10:57] Toi: They went over a threshold. They, yes. chapter, you can see that things have shifted. And there are those, there are some people who are just like, little things shift in them because that's just who they've been their whole life. They've held this certain thing, they've been this way. And, but things, certain things shift and change.

[00:11:18] Toi: For me, you know, I think about like How could I say certain things again, being a black single mother with three different fathers who was low income and all these things, like, how dare you say these things and, you know, where do you get the audacity? Honestly, I was born with the audacity. I honestly think when I look as a [00:11:44] astrology girly, I'm like, a lot of it is

[00:11:47] Toi: how I came Earth side as a communicator as you know, someone who is deeply Verbal I was looking at my chart and it was like and I don't know if I never I really connected I'm like four planets in my third house. I'm here to kind of Talk and communicate and write do that thing andso that's the through line for me is like, that's just what I know to do.

[00:12:17] Toi: It's kind of what I feel comfortable to see something to study something to make the connection and say it. And That's just been me. And so sometimes people are like, how do you do that? And like, I don't, it's just kind of my ground level is to have the conversation, to talk about it, to write about it, to do those things.

[00:12:41] Toi: and also I think I come in with a certain level [00:12:44] of risk, I'm willing to take. That part. I'm willing to, if I'm wronged, I'm willing to be like, fuck it all. Fuck, I'm blowing this up. I don't want anything to do with this, that, you, or whatever, or I'm willing to take the risk because I believe in this and I see the vision of it and I'm okay being, really close to the edge.

[00:13:04] Toi: I have some of that naturally. In me where I can shoulder it because I know it's going to shift.

[00:13:13] Danielle: Does that make sense? Oh yeah. It makes so much sense. So I, for people who are listening, who might be like either deeply resonating with what you're saying or deeply activated in that sense of like, I got none of that.

[00:13:24] Danielle: That is not me. How am I going to make it? You know? I can't or whatever, I want to offer that, that piece that you said around your astrology, it's written in the stars. You came in that way. That's that constitutional thing I'm referring to. I do think that there is an element of, [00:13:44] we come in with some constitutional orientation to who we're going to be.

[00:13:52] Danielle: Everyone has visibility strengths, everyone has a birthright to take up their full space in the world, and everyone has ways in which they can work within their authentic visibility strengths in order to create the impact. And when I say impact, I mean, Impact on your world and the world, right? the things that mean success to you, it's all there.

[00:14:20] Danielle: So if you're listening to this and that's not you, that's not a problem. You can think of it as like, cool, cool. Now, you know, that's not, you get more curious about what is you, what are your strengths and sometimes looking back to that child self. You know, to see, how did they express what is, could be, can be one of the ways that we can kind of find a [00:14:44] glimmer of oh yeah, that's a constitutional piece of my flavor of visibility strength.

[00:14:51] Danielle: and then the other part around the risk, I think this is another thing, and this is such a big conversation because risk oftentimes goes hand in hand with, having enough of a felt sense of safety. But other times it can be like, I'm so used to walking the edge of not being safe, or I'm so used to not being safe that who fucking cares, right?

[00:15:14] Danielle: and I have nothing to lose. Or there is just that, again, a constitutional, Even if the world isn't safe for me, I still have a system that has a high risk tolerance. So again, it's beautiful. I appreciate you sharing all these things. And I think that it's here for all of us.

[00:15:37] Toi: Yeah.

[00:15:38] Danielle: In our own ways. Mm hmm. And I'm also wondering, has there [00:15:44] been a moment across time where stepping into larger visibility has felt special? Particularly challenging,

[00:15:51] Toi: I, I found that my organization Loving Black Single Mothers, and before we actually started, I was at a retreat and in the, it was a retreat for leadership for women and I had a fear of being really visible to the Black single mothers that I was going to be holding.

[00:16:15] Toi: And it maybe wasn't being visible, but it's like the responsibility of tending and holding the work for their benefit.

[00:16:24] Danielle: Yeah. Right.

[00:16:24] Toi: Of like ensuring that what I'm doing is going to be grounded and sustainable and That we're going to walk the talk as an organization and do what we're saying we're going to do because this is a population, a community of, of people who have had enough of folks not showing up for them.

[00:16:42] Toi: And I know that [00:16:44] experience and so I didn't want to do that. So I think starting Loving Black Single Mothers and really being like. Okay, I'm going to do this and I know who I'm in support of and who this is supporting. that was a moment that I felt a little bit like, Oh, it was tough.

[00:17:01] Toi: And also because I work for myself. I've been doing this for a while. I'm successful in certain kinds of ways, but also I'm still a black single mother too. And so I'm holding that line of likeI'm above water in a lot of ways. I think it takes some years to actually have your body reach that of noticing everything's cool.

[00:17:23] Toi: You're you're good. You've made it this like to notice that. And I think my body is somewhat catching up to that a little bit. and so, yeah, I would say that was a moment of where it's like, Ooh, really have to do this and do it well.

[00:17:40] Danielle: Yeah. Yeah. There was a gravitas yeah.[00:17:44]

[00:17:44] Danielle: Yeah. This is a big piece and a heaviness I hear. Yeah. Yeah. How did that grow you?

[00:17:51] Toi: I mean, I think at the core,I'm someone who can do a lot of things by myself. I can form the plan, stick to the plan, do all the parts of the plan. and I, I can exist very well siloed by myself. Like talk, do all the things. but I realized in doing Loving Black Single Mothers that the beauty of the work we are doing really requires other people like I really have to defer and call in other people to help hold the vision so that it's not because it's so close to a really big wound of mine of being essentially abandoned as a mother, right?

[00:18:32] Toi: Like, yes, and I've learned a lot from that. So I've alchemized it and I'm trying to support other Black single mothers so they don't have so much wounding around it. But there are [00:18:44] certain things that in this work tap on it where I can feel myself not making the best decision because I'm too close to the pain or too close to it.

[00:18:55] Toi: So I have to have other people so that I'm not making a decision based on like Toi level things, but what is best for the organization, but also for the moms that we're supporting and I need, sometimes I need another person to help me do that. So it's really to be like, all right, we're all holding this as this is, you know, not just Toi work.

[00:19:15] Toi: This is the work of the organization for the benefit, the moms, and I can't be the only one making the decisions or doing that.

[00:19:26] Danielle: So when I hear that, I hear that you went from being a very powerful individual visionary who, I didn't hear you say this, but from what I know of you who also would call in other personal supports to give feedback or, you know, just to [00:19:44] support you as you expand or consider things.

[00:19:47] Danielle: And also you were still moving. pretty individually and you went from kind of like individual visionary to a collaborative organizer. Does that feel true?

[00:19:59] Toi: Yeah, and I'm, and I want to, particularly in the work of Loving Black Single Mothers, that's the vision all the way of like, it's not mine.

[00:20:09] Toi: it came through me, but it's not just mine to hold in the world forever. Right? I am the catalyst. I'm the person that can And I have to close my eyes because my mind just sees Okay, you're the one that can put it all together. You're the one that can get the message out, but it's not mine to hold forever.

[00:20:29] Toi: And so I want to bring in other black single mothers, other people to just hold it because bigger than me. It is a,a reorganization. It's shifting of ideology of How we hold black single mothers [00:20:44] and who have been used as stereotypes for such a long time. So it's a heavy lift and that's not just my work to do.

[00:20:50] Toi: So calling in multiple people and inspiring black single mothers to be like, this is yours. your story is valid, all the things. And that's what has been the most profound thing is giving other moms a permission to be like, oh, you can say. Your social location, you can talk about your version of motherhood and it's valid and have them come in and help us kind of

[00:21:11] Toi: Tend to to this work.

[00:21:14] Danielle: Yeah, so we we've gone down this beautiful pathway of talking about living black single mothers and Lots of folks who are listening to this probably don't know what that is. Can you tell us? Tell us about it. What is it?

[00:21:29] Toi: It is, I think some of mysoul's work. It is, Loving Black Single Mothers is, my organization that supports Black Single Mothers through mainly improving their material conditions.

[00:21:40] Toi: And when I say that is we give money [00:21:44] directly to mothers. We and I think it's really important for people to put it in their hands and say, We trust you. We trust that you know what you need to, buy to put food on the table to take care of yourself. So we don't put strings around how they use the money.

[00:21:56] Toi: and that is from a direct experience of me being inside of these systems of needing support from welfare and all the things and they say, Oh, you can't use your money here. You can't use it here and all of that. And so I hold that mothers are sovereign and that they know best. And so we move money essentially from the collective to put directly in mom's hands.

[00:22:17] Toi: And so we're about officially, I want to say, I don't know, three years old now. and we have, you know, three key ecosystems that we support. One is Holiday Love, which is a program that gives moms money during the holidays. We have Forever Flourishing, which gives moms a 30, 000 grant for a year. And then we have Summertime Joy, which gives moms money to support, you know, summer [00:22:44] expenses, summer camp.

[00:22:46] Toi: just having fun with their kids during the summer. and we're also really, you know, when I look at the core of the work that we do, we are an organization that is shifting the conversation around what it means to be. Who gets to be a good mother and what that looks like and opening up people's eyes to, the harms that black single mothers face, how we are left behind, and really bringing that to the forefront.

[00:23:12] Toi: So, I do that with a host of other collaborators right now, we probably have six other folks that. to work with me.

[00:23:21] Danielle: It's so beautiful. There's so much dignity and regard and love and beauty and joy baked into it. Always has been. And it's an amazing thing. I mean, this too is visibility. Like four years ago, this didn't exist.

[00:23:36] Danielle: It was in the unseen and this ability to take something from the unseen realms, [00:23:44] from Idea and bring it into form it's so huge, right? And in this particular case, it is a really big thing that you've brought into form. Not everything we do is as big, but how does it feel for you to like, yeah, I, I birthed the thing.

[00:24:04] Toi: I was saying to a friend one time, some people have like really big, like, it's great. I'm just like, Oh, it feels true. It feels true. It feels like I'm doing the thing I'm supposed to do. that's how most of my work feels. It's like. Okay. you have this skill, you have this thing, it feels deeply aligned.

[00:24:21] Toi: I feel like, okay, I had this, this has been a dream for a very long time. and so it took years. I think as long as I've been a mom, but mainly as long as I've worked for myself, I've had this vision. I can go back and look at documents from 2014 of me talking of, writing things around, like, this is [00:24:44] kind of what I want to do.

[00:24:45] Toi: And so it feels like, oh, you stay true. You did, you're, you're doing what you are here to do. And so of course it's supposed to be like this. It just feels accurate.

[00:24:57] Danielle: It feels accurate. Yes. That dream piece is not a small thing, How do you feed your dreams? what are one of the ways that you stay in the dreaming, that you connect to a larger imagining?

[00:25:10] Toi: I mean, really, I allow myself to have dreams.

[00:25:14] Danielle: I allow myself to think this shit is possible. This thing is possible. if I can think about it, Oh no, then that's possible. I could do that. Like I have a really big dream now that I want to have happen. And I'm like, okay, it can happen.

[00:25:29] Toi: It may take. Some time, but that didn't just come out of nowhere. so for me, it's like, where did the alchemy, like, where did that come from? Is that my ancestors?it didn't come out of nowhere. It's magic. So I. Get to do something with [00:25:44] it. for me, that's the point of life. we're here to have these visions and possibility and collaborate with each other and then make it material that is so Beautiful and gets me excited.

[00:25:57] Toi: For example, I just got a new dining room table But I've had this vision of what it would look like in my head for the last year, but I didn't have the funds to do it in the way that I want to do it. But I kept holding like, This is how it has to look. And I, and I, this is my mind just can create the vision.

[00:26:17] Toi: But once it's in real life, we are like magic people. we get to like, think through the thing, make it materialize. And it's, Here you can touch it and see it. So I allow myself to have dreams, big, small, all the things, I just allow myself and I know because of the way we have to live in these systems, it's hard for a lot of people.

[00:26:41] Toi: To allow themselves to [00:26:44] imagine and dream because it feels like, what's the point? I still have to do A, B, C and do all these things. I'm still beholden to all that, but I feel like there's so much freedom and just dreaming. I don't crush my son's dreams when people say they have an idea, I'm like, okay, you can do that.

[00:27:00] Toi: what do we need to do? because. I feel like that is our innate being is for people who have ideas and can bring them forward. And so I allow myself. To dream, to just sit and think about, oh, I could do that. I could do this thing. I could do like just in quiet moments in the morning when I'm, you know, making tea in the showers, when I get my best, ideas and when things come together for me, when I'm reading and I feel inspired, I'm like, oh, okay.

[00:27:31] Toi: So that connects to this, to this, it's just allowing myself to be the creative. person, creative force, creative, all the things that I know I am.

[00:27:42] Danielle: Yeah. [00:27:44] Yes. So there are some conditions that support your dreaming. There are some things that feed the dreaming. The permission piece is huge. And again, I think there's a constitutional or a developed skill for some around dreaming because dreaming requires

[00:28:01] Danielle: a certain amount of hope and faith, right? Like you're believing in something that doesn't yet exist. You're also potentially believing that you're even going to be here, there's so much hope and faith in all of that, that for some people is a given, right? And for others of us, depending on our constitution, flavors of trauma, you know, all kinds of things.

[00:28:25] Danielle: Dreaming can feel terrifying, the risking of hope can be excruciating or feel completely out of reach for some, but you know, if that's you, if you're listening and that's you to like, what would it be like to let yourself, Dream [00:28:44] one percent, you know, dream the tiniest dream or just play in the realm of some kind of fantasy.

[00:28:52] Danielle: I didn't tell you this, but I recorded a solo episode for this podcast.

[00:28:56] Danielle: What came out was these four pillars that I witnessed again and again. In the people that I know and work with who are successful and by their definition successful, but also usually by a relatively accepted, you know,measure of success and the things that I identify that I see again and again,

[00:29:22] Danielle: it's shown up in every conversation I've had and especially in this one. So one is standards and it's sometimes it's a raising of standards, but there is this way in which there's like this requirement for a certain kind of thing for yourself.

[00:29:37] Danielle: Another is support. Another is staying and the fourth one is dreaming. Yeah. [00:29:44] It's not a small thing. And even collectively, like when we look out at the hardest, most painful parts of the world right now, the parts that seem irreconcilable, the parts that seem unsolvable, it's only a larger imagining, a bigger dream, a richer possibility than what already exists that is going to get us the thing we all really need and want.

[00:30:10] Danielle: even at the like nervous system level, even for those of us who have felt too scared. Yeah. Even have dreams for ourselves because what if I'm not here or what if this or what if that or whatever?

[00:30:22] Danielle: Reclaiming your right to dream is a radical revolutionary act of reclamation.

[00:30:31] Toi: And, and I would add in there, like I'm a dreamer, but I'm also a creator because part of what these systems take away from us is for us to see ourselves aspeople who creates and can. shift things, [00:30:44] right? So like you're a worker, you're a mother, you're a woman, you're a man.

[00:30:49] Toi: So like you fit into these boxes only that say that you're nothing more than that.

[00:30:55] Toi: Right. And that's all you get. And that's all you are. And that's, and it's made very hard on purpose. So yes, there's a dreaming, but also like I am deeply seated in like, I'm a creator.

[00:31:06] Toi: I I'm here. I can create things. I'm an interdependent creator. I'm creating all the time with multiple people, all my kids with you, with other people, I don't know. We are deeply interdependent. We are creative. at source. that's just what we are here to do. And so in the work of entrepreneurship or being self employed, like I take that with me of, Oh, I, I don't have to ask permission because I am a creator.

[00:31:37] Toi: I'm here on this earth, which is, I was created and I am a creator. So I [00:31:44] hold all that and I create what I dream. And so like, it takes, time to weave through and unspell ourselves from what we've been told of like who you get to be and how you get to be in the world and how you get to be visible.

[00:31:59] Toi: but I think I really want people to lean into like you get to dream if anything, no one gets to police your dreams. No one gets to tell you that you can't dream. You can sit in your back yard in your bed for five minutes and just. Dream about like, I want this thing to be this way. And then I feel like I really connect to how my body feels when I dream certain dreams, particular in my kitchen.

[00:32:29] Toi: I was like, Oh, I could sit and have coffee. I can work there. I can do, my sons can sit with me and we can play games Before it was an actual thing, I felt it in my body and I could feel like how good it [00:32:44] felt. And I think being able to dream but also feel the goodness of it and can we feel it and hold that and take that with us,

[00:32:52] Danielle: you

[00:32:53] Toi: know, can we have more moments like that, that are self created, right, that are just little bits.

[00:33:00] Danielle: That are little things. I'm not saying like we have to upend anything in your life, but like, are there little ways that you can create these imprints for yourself?They go together and they create a bigger moment. So, yeah, I don't know if that's like too woo. No. Hi. Hello.I would like to have a whole other podcast around the word and my feelings about it.

[00:33:22] Danielle: But I, for now, I will just. I would just also say that for those who struggle with things like intrusive thoughts, where having dreams can end up feeling deeply upsetting, or the things that come in aren't particularly feeling friendly and warm and you don't always have access to those beautiful visions.

[00:33:42] Danielle: It's okay to keep [00:33:44] reaching. Yeah. Right. And to know that like, there's nothing wrong with you. If you don't have that kind of more, you know, mainline access Yeah. To the beautiful dreams that just give you that way to like, feel so good in your body. It doesn't mean that the dreams aren't there. You know, there's this idea that the dreams are dreaming us.

[00:34:07] Danielle: Mm-hmm . The dreams are dreaming us too. And I think this is another way we can look at so many things in the world in this relational aspect of being breathed. let yourself be breathed. Let the trees or the moon see you as much as you see it. And let the dream dream you. And if all you can do is get like five second access, start with a sensory thing.

[00:34:31] Danielle: I think, you know, if you are someone that struggles with having access, like, I don't even know what to dream or where to dream or whatever. I would encourage you to consider starting with a [00:34:44] sense, a sensory aspect, like dream a taste that you'd love to taste. Is it warm? Is it salty? Is it rich? Is it bitter?

[00:34:53] Danielle: Is it, like, just, don't even have to make it mean anything, just, what would something delicious taste like? What, what would, what texture would your body most love to, if you could imagine yourself sinking into the most incredible bath, would it be? Would it be warm sand? Would it be cold, slippery feathers?

[00:35:17] Danielle: Like what, like just let yourself go to some of those sensory places in, even just in your mind. And then just see what happens, you know, like just know that there is always an entryway. And to your point, it doesn't all have to be big. It can just be a taste, and that will permeate out into other things.

[00:35:38] Toi: Yeah, like for me, it's been the kitchen, like the literally a table, a [00:35:44] table where we, I haven't had a dining room table in a long time. Like it was a dining room table. And before that, it was like, I wanted a really good cup of tea and a really beautiful cup. that was like, dreaming of like, what that meant, and so I think, how can you just tap in, like, is there little, little, little things that feel good?

[00:36:02] Danielle: Yeah. And that's another thing, the wants are an access place. Your longings and your wants, even if they're painful, they are also an access place. Envy is an access place. Jealousy. Jealousy. Those are places that can, I mean, I think jealousy sometimes tells us about what we want. Other times is gets us caught into some other, like true.

[00:36:25] Danielle: You know, whatever, but like envy that feeling of like, it has like a little bit more like grittiness to it. and I can also feel envy and a whole lot of love at the exact same time. But anyway, there are these ways that you can just have these access points to your wantings and your longings, and [00:36:44] those are always connected.

[00:36:46] Danielle: To the dream.

[00:36:46] Toi: Yeah. There's one thing I want to say. I want to go way back because I wrote it down around your visibility doesn't look like my visibility. Right. Like I, right. You know, talk to a lot of people and maybe that's not your thing and that's not what you're going to do.

[00:37:00] Toi: And I think about, my beloved Renee, who is deeply Scorpio and all her social media because she was like, I don't want to be found. And I was like, love that for you. I love Renee too. But why she came to mind was because she's deeply visible, but not visible in the same ways that I'm visible, right?

[00:37:22] Toi: Like the reason I say she's deeply visible is because she shows up into who she is, right? and that that connects her to more people, right? So like she doesn't have a big social media following. She's not sharing a newsletter list.

[00:37:38] Toi: She's not doing all of that stuff, but she is visible in the circles, [00:37:44] the little circles that she. Is in and how she became visible to me was like saying I could support you because I'm good at X, Y, and Z,

[00:37:55] Danielle: right? And so

[00:37:56] Toi: I think you would benefit from me working with you. Could you trade with me? And, but it wasn't like I met her through an online platform or something.

[00:38:05] Toi: She directly kind of showed up and made herself visible in the ways that she likes to make herself visible. and for me, that's like now she's so deeply visible in my world and that was a small, kind of quieter way for me when I look at visibility of her, being okay, being visible in her way.

[00:38:28] Danielle: Yes. Visibility is not. It's automatically about being louder. It's about being truer and playing to the, again, playing to those visibility strengths and being more of who you [00:38:44] are and knowing that that's going to open the doors that you need to have open for you. Yeah. Yeah.

[00:38:50] Danielle: this was so rich and so beautiful and I'm so grateful for you.

[00:38:56] Danielle: Is there anything that you want to say or share or anything that you are going to take from this conversation that feels really important to you?

[00:39:04] Toi: I mean, I always take a lot from our conversation. I think what I was just thinking about was how skillful you are at seeing multiple sides of conversations.

[00:39:17] Toi: Like I say something you're like, and I want us to consider this thing. And I want us to think about this thing. that is what I'm taking away. It's like you like your gift in that. and that's the way that you've made yourself visible to me. you're just very, very Deeply considered and so that was yeah, that was good.

[00:39:37] Danielle: Oh, well, thank you. Thanks for that reflection. That was fun Okay, well here's to [00:39:44] many more many more dreams Many more co dreaming Yes, and many more beautiful conversations. I love you, my friend.

[00:39:52] Toi: I love you so much.

Time Stamps:

[00:01:00] Who is Toi Smith? Toi introduces herself through the lens of motherhood, creativity, and love, sharing how these identities shape her work and life.

[00:02:44] Entrepreneurship & Study Spaces Toi discusses her work at the intersection of study, curiosity, and questioning through her programs and circles.

[00:03:46] Defining Success Success for Toi is about being able to provide for her family, eat well, and maintain financial independence while following her creative vision.

[00:05:44] Showing Up as a Whole Person The power of being fully visible, not niching down, and allowing herself to be complex and multidimensional.

[00:08:44] Visibility as an Act of Self-Trust Seeing herself, seeing the world, and allowing herself to be seen without shrinking or inflating.

[00:10:19] Becoming More of Ourselves Over Time Toi shares how we continuously evolve and shed old versions of ourselves to step into deeper authenticity.

[00:12:17] Speaking Truth & Taking Risks How astrology, communication, and a natural risk tolerance have shaped Toi’s willingness to show up boldly.

[00:15:44] Barriers to Visibility Navigating visibility wounds, systemic challenges, and the complexities of being seen as a Black single mother.

[00:16:15] Founding Loving Black Single Mothers The origins of Loving Black Single Mothers, the weight of responsibility, and the importance of holding space with integrity.

[00:19:15] Moving from Individual Visionary to Collaborative Organize How Toi has learned to share leadership and invite others into the work.

[00:21:29] What is Loving Black Single Mothers? An overview of the organization, how it redistributes resources, and its mission to improve material conditions for Black single mothers.

[00:23:36] Bringing Dreams into Reality The power of taking an idea from the unseen realm and making it real.

[00:25:57] Staying Connected to the Bigger Vision Toi shares how she nurtures her dreams and stays open to possibility.

[00:28:44] Dreaming as a Radical Act The importance of allowing yourself to dream, even when external systems try to crush imagination.

[00:31:06] The Role of Dreams in Personal & Collective Change Why dreaming is essential not only for individuals but for transforming society as a whole.

[00:34:44] Finding Entry Points into Dreaming Small, sensory-based ways to access imagination for those who struggle with it.

[00:38:46] Visibility is Not One-Size-Fits-All How different people express visibility in ways that are true to them.

Reflection Prompts:

To take the conversation deeper, use these journal prompts to reflect on your own journey:

If I gave myself full permission to dream, what would I envision? What small step could I take to materialize even a tiny part of that dream?

🌿Visibility Medicine starts March 11th! If you’re done with over-efforting, under-earning, and questioning whether your leadership and healership belong, this is your invitation to take up your full space—boldly, unapologetically, and on your own terms. Join us here.